Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. Did not have any spectacular celebration. Just a nice gathering with Eugene, Yanchang and Ah Chui. Thats the company which I wont even expect to meet up on my birthday, but they made time for me. Its really touching. I am really grateful for that. Thanks alot people!

On this day, I found out that my ex-great buddy deleted me on facebook. How nice of him man. Oh well I hope the whole clique will delete me as well soon haha. Make it once and for all. No reasons still. But I know the main thing is, I am fucked up.

I will treat this as a wake up call. I will move on from it. Its definitely disheartening, but guess I deserves it. The only sad thing is nobody actually put themselves into my shoe. All of them think that they deserves the best, but never spare a thought for me. Well I guess thats life. Individualism.

I will cut away my sarchasm. I will just do what I am suppose to do. But I seriously cannot guarantee for another blow up if fucked up things happen again, though I will try my best to control.

Feels like crying yesterday. I realised I seldom have a Happy Birthday. Its just sad things happening one after another. Maybe I really deserves such treatment. But I am really very sad. We shall see how many people will clap for me on the coming cohesion when I will get my birthday card, if there is any.

Today the dwalfies will be coming to celebrate with me. I am really thankful for that. I hope that will drown my sorrow. I really hope so.

Happy Birthday to Baby Lee. I love you and miss you so much. Happy Birthday to Handy. You are my only motivation at work. I love you all!

After a long CNY break, I am finally going back to work tomorrow. The usual excitement is still there because of Handy and the rest of the dogs haha. But I am still feeling very sian to see those people whom I dont like or rather people who dislike me.

I told myself I will change for the better after this CNY break, and I am so gonna do it. Temper is the first thing I must change. Cut that sarchasm as well. I will just engross in my work and thats it. As for the friend/s I have lost, I guess there is no point salvaging since I have tried. All my concentration will be on work and most importantly, my Handy.

I guess days without me is definitely happy for all the people. I understand my presence is not needed definitely. But somehow I know that didi needs me. She is the only purpose for me right now. Well if I can adopt her I will definitely do it, but financially I am not capable to. All I can do now is to give her the best treatment that she deserves. I love you Didi!

Jia you HanQun. Gotta be of my best performance. Please let me be busy! I hate to slack haha! Cya tmr DiDi!!!

Chinese New Year is coming, and as usual I am definitely looking forward towards it. However there are so many depressing stuffs happening to me, and that really makes me feel like blogging after a near 1.5yrs hiatus here.

I simply dont understand how a person can change overnight. From a buddy to a complete stranger. Ya overnight. I thought of like naming him here since nobody knows I am blogging, but I guess cyberworld still has its insecurity. We used to be close (ya sounds gay), and we always help one another out. I know he is a nice guy, so despite the fact that I faced different interests and hobbies, I still try to make do with it and accommodate him. Thats what a friend should do, I guess.

Well things didnt turn out this way. I just feel very puzzled how things can changed 180degree overnight. Did loads of self reflections, trying to figure out whats wrong with me. There must be some reasons that leads to this, but despite so many attempts in figuring out, I failed to find a reason. How strange could it be huh. Well he is not the only one that outcasted me, in fact the other 2 friends of his too. Nice.

I really feel depressed, disappointed and desperate for a reason, so I texted him today. Well he kept his silence still. Why? What wrong had I done to deserve this from you?! I did not do anything at all! Whats wrong with you?! Questions like these wonders in my head. I am really feeling so sad.

I know that I am definitely not well liked amongst peers. I self reflected and realised that there isnt any point for me to build up strong repaul by giving them welfare etc, because the good image built can collapse immediately when sarchasm sets in objectively. I am always the bad guy. But look, life is not always filled with saints. I want to be the good person giving welfare too, but look at whats the fuck up attitude and results people are giving or showing. Dont always expect candies from me if you guys cannot make it to simple expectations.

Just like today, there is this idiot who did a stupid thing. Teasing the dog after he is fed. When it comes to work, this guy will try his means to slack and daze, but when it comes to doing stupid stuffs, he is definitely capable. I yelled at him, because its a surged emotions. He is always doing retarded stuffs and I just try to close one eye, but not this time round though as he simply wont learn his lesson. I made him signed 3, hoping he will learn from it, but doubt so.

Can somebody tell me what to do? I really hope these people ord soon, because I cannot stand most of them. But coming june will be disastrous for me as the most hardworking people will ord, and left those one of a kind people. How are we going to manage? Sigh...

I am so sad at this very moment. Lost a friend for no apparent reason at all. Not well liked. Nobody understanding what I am facing. Poor work performance. How bad can it get still? Must I really isolate myself? I am feeling so down, but there isnt anybody to comfort me, neither for me to confide to. I only left with Handy and Bristol as my only motivation. But how long this can last when so many stupid things is piling up? I really feel like crying now, really. Call me weak, its fine, but I am a human trying so much to pull things together but failed so badly.

I guess I will be emo-ing alone in camp during my birthday as nobody will wish me for that. Its really disheartening. I will try to get over everything, but not for this period definitely. Can somebody be there for me to confide to and lend me a shoulder to lie on? I really really need one, seriously.

Well i have to say up till now i am the most fortunate among my friends in mp... i got posted to dog wing and ended up doing things that i like and do best - paravet job... i am very happy, definitely... and no matter what i will do my best for the unit and the dogs there... gotta be productive starting from tomorrow:)

Family problems just make me feel so down... scolded my dad just now... i think i nid anger management, but how am i not flared up when up till just now he still haven feed baby dinner? i wasnt at home, but he is idling at the sofa there watching tv. i always felt damn sorry and sad after scolding him, but i cant help it, seriously... feeling remorseful is due to the fact that he is my dad, but i still cant help but to scold him for all the stupid things he has done, or things he should have done it but didnt... he was once a stroke patient, i understand, but how can a stroke change a person's personality so much? who can give me an answer? i tried all means to understand him, give in to him etc... not that i didnt do anything but look what i got? i am sure there will be people saying i am unfilial, but who cares for me? i am taking all the burdens and loads... which 21year old guy have to go through what i am going through? i doubt among my friends nobody need to...

I am very tired... really dead tired... trying to earn as much as possible to meet monthly needs, but the results is always negative... i cant earn much bcuz of ns... but i always understand what is call a vicious cycle... i foresee that i will step into this and dunno when then i will be able to escape from this cycle... probably i will have to thank god that i dont have a girlfriend... nobody to confide to but nobody to take care too... less one burden haha... i believe i can multi-task as of now... but when will i collapse i dont know...

No matter what i will still do my best to be the pillar of support for my parents, especially my mum... she needs me definitely, and i need her too... not that i dont love my dad... i love him thats why i wanted to correct him... but if he is still that persistent, i dunno what can i do... as for my brother, sometimes i wish him better off dead... i apologise for my harsh words, but i seriously dunno what to say about him... life with or without him doesnt make a difference... or probably there is... with him my life is more miserable... thats what i can say...

I am feeling very down... very very down... i need to stand still, but i am very tired... trying hard, really very hard...

First of all gotta thank those people for their concerns haha... really appreciated it... yesterday was really a bad day for me... cant wait for polyclinic... went straight for private one... cost me 64bucks... troubled mum to wake up early too bcuz i am too weak to go alone... puked while i was on the way there, even though its like near my house...

Meanwhile i still have yet to fully recover... feels like eating something but just dont have the appetite, or worst still eat already feels like puking it out... hopefully i can recover by tomorrow man... working on monday... gotta put my best performance in work becuz it concerns about those cuties in my workplace:)

Well i shall take this illness as a blessing in disguise... i got to slim down haha... but if anyone were to see my face on friday they will be stun... i looked damn pale... i thought i will faint in the toilet haha...

Brought baby out just now... she dont have that energy to walk much... though i can see from her eyes she is trying her best, but yea she cant even stand up, let alone walking... walked abit but ended up bringing her back home by carrying her back... my heart was broken... i will do anything for her definitely, but i just cant bear to see her suffering... everytime she look at me, and i mean everytime... i really wanto know what she wanted to tell me.. she seems to have load and loads of things to say, but yet she is restricted by her ability... i tried all means to understand, but somehow we just cant reach a consensus.. its not that i dont understand her well, but this time round she is like having more than usual to say... i believe i will get to understand her, but just hope that its not too late by then...

You're my everything baby...

Wierd time to blog now but i woke up at 4plus till now... diarrhea followed by vomiting then diarrhea again... plus a very bad twist in my abdomen... since 2am plus i vomited n shitted... 4am plus wake up again to carry on the same routine... now i am half dead... am waiting for the polyclinic to open at 8am, so dont intend to sleep actually...

Gotta recover asap... really feel damn weak now...

Yeaps! POP-ed yesterday.. finally i got my 3rd stripe after 34 weeks... faints! i left less than 10mths to ord haha... nevertheless, i will contribute as much as possible to dog wing haha...

Today is the 1st day in dog wing... really feel damn lost haha... thank god the people there are quite nice... and chengchong is there too! hope he can guide me along haha... heard from warrant raja i should be able to do paravet job... hopefully man haha... thats what i hope to do all along...

Its just one day and i start to miss those people around me... i need to get used to them not around me... haha...

Well yesterday had a mixed feeling even though i pop-ed... first is because passing out means i have to leave my closest clique in mpts... am very happy because finally i am a 3rd sgt.. the other thing is family problems... i felt damn emo last nite... even up till now i still feel emo.. i really feel very tired... very very tired...

I need enlightenment... I need help...

Well monday will be my POP day! Finally i am getting my 3sgt... after so long! even CPT Goh oso said 'finally' to me while presenting the passing out cert to me... i am delighted... really felt a sense of accomplishment... most importantly, i met alot of nice people whom we are getting along very well haha...

Posting! I got posted to dog unit wahaha!!! thats like my ultimate goal and i got it... no other words can describe how happy i am when i got my posting... however in chinese we say 几家欢喜几家愁... there bound to be people being unhappy or disappointed with their posting... my good friend was one of them... i felt very sad for him when he cant get his desired posting, but well life still goes on... maybe get posted to that place is a blessing in disguise, just like i failed ASLC haha...

Though i got posted to dog wing, i still feel damn worried about the life there because i am afraid the people there are not as nice as mpts... but well i believe i can adapt... it just takes time! jia you to me... and jia you to all my friend!

Today went out with Guanhua and Zhilun for k-session! finally haha! it was damn funny cuz today we zao-sia like nobody business... especially me wahaha! but i am damn happy to sing wahaha! feels rather bad when i cant join them for the timbre session... hopefully i can meet out real soon with the rest..

I am damn tired now... but for some reason i just wanna blog right now... cant think much though haha... think i should sleep now... nitez...